I sit here, in view of the most gorgeous water and beach I have ever seen, and yet it very well could be hundreds of miles away for how accessible it is to me. I have been working around the clock in this ocean paradise and now, when I have a small window of time free, I am much too exhausted and in too much pain to be able to go anywhere but the bed of my hotel room. You see, I have a chronic pain condition that also leads to significant fatigue, but I don't know this yet. I don't know that pushing myself to work so many hours, for so long, everyday for the past several days, is my kryptonite. I don't yet know that when I return home from this "working vacation", I will literally collapse, come apart at the seams, and it will take YEARS before I feel even close to whole again. I don't know that this paradise will be the last time I feel like a normal human being for... well, for I don't know how long because I still don't feel that way today, 11 years later. I think I will always love Hawaii for how beautiful it was and how much fun I still managed to have there, despite the working practically around the clock and despite the eventual collapse. But a part of me will also always hate it... I can not hear the word Hawaii without being flooded with memories of the good and bad that happened while I was there and as soon as I returned home. Maybe when I am better... because, yes, I am getting better; maybe then I will be able to think of it in a different way.
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