Tigger

I just lost my kitty after 19 years but I have a lot of peace about that. I know that it was his time and I know that I was blessed to have him in my life for so long. I didn't want to watch him suffer so I am glad that he is in a better place where there is no pain. It doesn't make me miss him less but I am a lot less sad than I thought I would be.

I adopted Tigger when he was 8 weeks old and I was 16 years old. I adopted Tigger and his brother, Forest from the animal shelter in Phoenix, AZ. We have been through so much together. Let's see, two marriages, two long-term relationships, going away to college, moving eleven times, in and out of hospitals and rehab centers, adopting other kitties, adopting doggies, and a parade of friends in and out of my homes/life. Tigger easily stressed, so a lot of these changes were difficult for him at first, but he always settled in like a champion and then thrived wherever we were. He brought so much joy and love just by being in my life and loving me unconditionally. He was always a loving, affectionate cat, and at his biggest was 19 pounds, so there was a lot of love to be had. He was never fat, just a big, solidly built cat. His paws were huge! God, I miss him. I love my doggies to pieces, but there is nothing quite like the love and affection of a cat. Tigger was one of my best friends; I always turned to him when things were bad and he always knew when I needed him. Anytime I was crying, he knew, and he came and crawled into my lap. Now that I'm crying for Tigger, the dogs come and lick the tears off my face.
Health wise, Tigger's and his brother's lives were pretty good. The day after I brought them home, they became really sick and I rushed them to the veterinarian where I found out they had a parasite called girardia, which I guess is super common among animals at shelters. They almost died because they were so young their bodies were having a hard time fighting back. But they pulled through, and for the most part were healthy until they hit their late teens. I lost Forest when he was 16, and they don't even know for sure what was wrong with him. But Tigger developed feline dementia (similar to Alzheimer's) and it progressed rapidly. Within a matter of weeks, he was confused most of the time, to the point he couldn't remember whether or not he had eaten, he couldn't remember where his litter boxes were, and as he was already deaf, he was startling easily. He was just so clearly unhappy and uncomfortable. I'm glad that we had 19 beautiful years together, and I just hope that he enjoyed being with me as much as I loved being with him.
Good-bye, my Tiggie. My heart will always remember you and hold you close.

Elusive Happiness

Have you ever known what it is like to WANT to feel happy but to not be able to? My life is good... that may sound cliche but it really is. I have what makes me happy in my life: an amazing, loving partner, wonderful friends, a home that I love and my creatures (2 dogs). My oldest nephew is graduating high school soon and I get to go home and see all of my family and friends who are there at the end of May. There is no clear reason for me to not be happy.

Getting Started

I have been talking about starting a blog for several months now and finally decided to get started. In part because I have nothing else to do in this moment and in part because I have been really struggling lately. I have bi-polar disorder and have been cycling with it since I was 5 years old. I was first diagnosed in 2005 and have been in treatment since then, which includes medication, therapy and behavior changes. For the most part, it has been successfully managed for the past few years, for which I am so grateful. But I had a "relapse" last month and am struggling to find my balance again. A lot of people don't really know what bi-polar disorder is, and there is still a lot of stigma around mental illness. That is why I am doing this blog. I want to educate people and help them see the human side of mental illness. We are not a stereotype, we are not somehow damaged or deficient, and we are not in any way lesser human beings. If I can get even one person to change their view of mental illness, then this blog will be a success. Why "Living Out of Control"? As much as I know about my disorder, and as long as I have had it, I still have limited control over my mood changes. Yes, I can take my medication, make all my therapy appointments, and take care of myself, but even when I am doing all of these things, I can begin to cycle. When cycling, I feel out of control. I become angry in a heartbeat, cry for no explainable reason, make rash, impulsive decisions, and much more. But it is important to note than I am LIVING out of control. Many, many people lose their lives to this disorder, and other mental illnesses, every day. I am blessed to still be here. So please join me on this journey of education and revelation, no matter what your past experience with mental illness may be. I promise you will learn something new and have fun while doing it.